Thursday, October 28, 2010

(Im)probability of Ph.D. happiness

I know, I know... I know I want endless hours of headache-flavored nights in the library, financial desperation, pre-qual dramatic weight gain, caffeine heartache, unresolved existential questions of a whimsical "self-starter," (i.e., bu arastirmayi yaptik ama dunyaya yarari ne ki? bu kongrede de konustuk ama dinleyen oldu mu ki?), unresolved research questions, teaching responsibilities in courses that are none of my concern, a thesis subject ultimately none of my concern, ego vertigo, neck hernia, justified fear of unemployment, and the two vertical lines of frustration between my brows that will eventually be permanent.

Despite the needlessly high levels of self-inflicted pain it will bring to my life, I know I want that experience. And yea, I wouldn't say no to the title either. 

So here we go, everything mechanical, step-by-step. (Otherwise I tend to get cold feet.) GRE: done. Next task: applications. Today, after a brief traditional period of self-doubt in the morning, which quickly turned into butterflies in my stomach as I started thinking about postcolonial theory, I started brainstorming about my personal statement(s). It's nice to feel your brain cells running.

If I do get admitted,  I'll first celebrate with 40 kegs of beer for 40 days and 40 nights. Then I'll wear this totebag with a dangerous mixture of humor and pride.

Here's a salute to years of expensive education, a car full of books, and anticipation. 

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