Saturday, February 5, 2011

Facing failure

I'm failing, and not because of the obvious fact of receiving the first of the many more rejection letters to come. I'm failing, because I fail to face my failure in dignity. I have never been able to do that. I avoid feeling anything, instead of embracing the failure gracefully. Not that we can always learn from and grow with our mistakes. Sometimes, most of the time, there's no cohesion from which we can make sense of the things that go wrong in our lives. But still, how you face failure is important. It makes you who you are. You can say things, make up principles, hope for the best, for the worst, expect and prepare - but in the end, how you face the crisis is what defines your fabric, your place in life. And I'm utterly failing to claim that place. I run away from it, instead of taking the opportunity. Being in the right place in the right time - that part is easy, it's chance, and I've been there numerous times. Being in the wrong place in the wrong time, however, is just as important. We all need a new perspective on things, it's part of growing up, - and also, it comes with the job.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Surprises

So much for Duke, and so quickly too. And the minute I saw the e-mail I thought it was good news and I panicked because I thought I could not handle it alone - because it was possibly too good to be true and I had to decide whether I wanted to go to such a small town. With this great encouragement so early, I thought I would not be able to handle the rejection from the bigger towns later on.  That's why I panicked. And because I was alone. So imagine the feeling of utter emptiness when I saw the much more familiar expressions on my decision letter. I read it in a single breath by the way. I am that good with rejection letters, I can spot the keywords in a heartbeat.  I did not linger, there's no need to do that when you know all the keywords by heart. I closed the web page along with that North Carolina at Chapel Hill chapter of my life, but then I remembered what I saw. I now see it more clearly. One of my recommendation letters was not submitted. No wonder the letter came so early, there was no need for a decision at all.

Should I be mad? I can't handle being mad. Not for this. I only know being mad at myself for this stuff. I'm an academic self-loather when it comes to rejection and failure. I don't know how to blame someone else.
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