Thursday, February 3, 2011

Surprises

So much for Duke, and so quickly too. And the minute I saw the e-mail I thought it was good news and I panicked because I thought I could not handle it alone - because it was possibly too good to be true and I had to decide whether I wanted to go to such a small town. With this great encouragement so early, I thought I would not be able to handle the rejection from the bigger towns later on.  That's why I panicked. And because I was alone. So imagine the feeling of utter emptiness when I saw the much more familiar expressions on my decision letter. I read it in a single breath by the way. I am that good with rejection letters, I can spot the keywords in a heartbeat.  I did not linger, there's no need to do that when you know all the keywords by heart. I closed the web page along with that North Carolina at Chapel Hill chapter of my life, but then I remembered what I saw. I now see it more clearly. One of my recommendation letters was not submitted. No wonder the letter came so early, there was no need for a decision at all.

Should I be mad? I can't handle being mad. Not for this. I only know being mad at myself for this stuff. I'm an academic self-loather when it comes to rejection and failure. I don't know how to blame someone else.

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